Emotions..........

Emotions.... are all over the place...
happy, sad, upset, angry, moody...
There is a lot i need to say... but i won't say it.. i will keep it in myself..i don't like to hurt others..and if i do seem to say anything..it back fires on me and it seem to some how be my problem.. or it was my fault... So better off keep it inside..
i have another fertility appt on Tuesday.. not sure how i feel about that.. excited.. scared, sad.. ugh i dunno really..you would think i would be excited!!
but i know its a long emotional road i have ahead of me...

Lately.............

Its been a few days since i have wrote. Really Not much has changed...
I had a doctors appt last week, they upped my depression medication, to see if that will help with my moods, lets hope it does.. Also i am seeing a therapist every Monday, just to talk about stuff that has been bothering me..Renay and i spent Saturday together we went to Rochester went to an indoor sale.. and boy it was crowed and way to many people there.. we did hit one sale that had some really cute maturity clothes for a cheap price. So she made out with about 7 new shirts.. very cute shirts!! Then we had breakfast, and then did some more shopping.. but the time 1:30 rolled around we were both tired! Went went home she took a nap..and i relaxed with my Nephew Blaze..might i say is doing so well, he is such a strong little boy moves his head all around and his arms and feet.. He has the cutest smile.. Today he has appt with the neurologist. So lets hope and pray that goes just as well!
Sunday i relaxed and home with my sick hubby. So not much happen on Sunday
Today: Monday. I have an appt with Becky at 10:00 then come home and do some cleaning.. and going to make a roast for dinner! I hope my week goes fast.. We get Helen this weekend

I Would Die For That

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Today...........

Today I feel very tired and drained out..My Emotions are getting the best of me!
My emotions are crazy.. I'm happy, sad, angry, and tired..

I wish i was "normal" and i didn't have all his fertility problems. I wanted a child ever since Leo and I got married! Here we are 6 1/2 long, years and childless :o(
Happy, that were on the road to start treatment again.. Yippee.. however all the doctor appts, shots and test and medication not looking forward to all of that. I want things simple for me once in my life! However it doesn't seem to go like that for me, everything has to be difficult hard or stressful.
I'm scared, to finally get pregnant and something goes wrong. What will i do with myself? go into a severe depression.. but then there is what if i get pregnant and everything goes perfect and i have a happy and healthy baby!
Is it hard for me to see others pregnant, Yes! Does that mean that I'm not Happy for them? Heck no! I'm extremely happy for others, i don't wish infertility on no one! I hope and wish everyone could have a easy go lucky pregnancy and a healthy baby!
I love my Neice and Nephews and God Children with all my heart and sole! I'm luck to be surrounded with such amazing children, and family members who share there happiness with me!!! I'm blessed to have such support from my Family and Friends.
There is no way i could ever go threw all these emotions and doctors appointments alone!
I have days where everything is perfect i feel good, life is great... Then there are days when i wanna do nothing besides lay in bed, or sit in the bathtub and listen to music and cry.. I like to keep my gard up, i don't like to show my weakness to anyone. I want to be known as the strong one. Well... guess what everyone I'm not strong at all.......... i cry, and get angry, mad , jealous, I do have emotions........

If anyone has any questions on PCOS/ OR thanks they have it!! Do your research and get to the doctors!ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT A FAMILY DOWN THE ROAD! You might be one of the lucky ones who get pregnant or.........have the long road of fertility treatments...